"Who was that?"
"Who--the man with the five heads ant the elderberry bush full of kippers?"
"Yes."
"I don't know. Just someone."
"Ah."
-- Arthur and Ford | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
The Hitchhiker's Guide is a wholly remarkable product. But then again you must already know that, since you bought one. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about towels
A towel is the most useful thing (besides the Guide) a Galactic hitchhiker can have. Its uses include travel, combat, communications, protection from the elements, hand-drying and reassurance. Towels have great symbolic value, with many associated points of honour. Never mock the towel of another, even if it has little pink and blue flowers on it. Never do something to somebody else's towel that you would not want them to do to yours. And, if you borrow the towel of another, you MUST return it before leaving their world. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about fluff
Fluff is interesting stuff: a deadly poison on Bodega Minor, the diet staple of Frazelon V, the unit of currency on the moons of the Blurfoid system, and the major crop of the laundry supplies planet, Blastus III. One ancient legend claims that four pieces of fluff lie scattered around the galaxy; each forming one-quarter of the seedling of a tree with amazing properties, the sole survivor of the tropical planet Fuzzbol (Footnote 8). The ultimate source of fluff is still a mystery, with the scientific community torn between the Big Lint Bang theory and the White Lint Hole theory. >footnote 8
It's not a very good legend, is it? >yes
That was just a rhetorical question. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Earth
Mostly harmless. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about space
If you hyperventilate and then empty your lungs, you will last about thirty seconds in the vacuum of space. However, because space is so vastly hugely mind-bogglingly big, getting picked up by another ship within those thirty seconds is almost infinitely improbable. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about matter transference beams
A thoroughly unpleasant means of travelling which involves tearing you apart in once place and slamming you back together in another. (Of course, it's better than the older method, where disassembled people would be transmitted down phone lines and arrive in a garbled and sometimes completely disconnected state.) You should have a drink or two or three before going through one. Also see the entries on Galaxia Woonbeam, Alcohol, and Protein. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Galaxia Woonbeam
Galaxia Woonbeam is the author of "Slimmer's Guide to Weightloss During Matter Disassembly Transition." This text is currently the subject of the biggest suit for criminal negligence damages in history and is unavailable at this time. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about alcohol
Alcohol, in addition to its familiar enjoyable effects, also helps cushion the shock of matter transference beams. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about protein
Sources of protein, such as the common peanut, are carried by all serious hitchhikers. Protein loss occurs in matter transference beams and you will become groggy unless you replace it immediately. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Vogons
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
Vogons, whose specialties are bureaucracy and planet-smashing, are the most unpleasant race in the galaxy. They wouldn't think twice about throwing someone into space, and wouldn't lift a finger to save their own grandmother from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. Also see the entries on Vogon poetry and the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Vogon poetry
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
Vogon poetry is so awful that even the Sarkopsi of Burphon XII, whose religion strictly forbids the taking of one's life, consider suicide a preferable alternative to a Vogon poetry reading. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is a mind-bogglingly stupid animal. It has almost no capacity for learning from experience and is therefore surprised by virtually everything that happens to it. Here is an example of how stupid it is: it thinks that if you can't see it, it can't see you. Its behavior would be quite endearing if it wasn't spoilt by this one thing: it is the most violently carnivorous creature in the Galaxy. Avoid, avoid, avoid. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about babel fish
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
A mind-bogglingly improbable creature. A babel fish, when placed in one's ear, allows one to understand any language. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Santraginean mineral water
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
A strong body of opinion holds that this is not water at all, despite the claims on the label about how pure the spring is, and all that tosh about sparkling babbling brooks and so on. There is something highly suspect about the water on Santraginus Five, as anyone who's ever met any of their fish will tell you. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Electronic Sub-Etha Auto Hitching Thumb
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
The Electronic Sub-Etha Auto Hitching Thumb is a wonderful thing, but should not be mistreated. If used while a ship is near, you will be transported there. If no ship is in the vicinity, you will place a heavy strain on the Thumb's logic circuits, which could lead to malfunction. The Thumb carries the usual Sirius Cybernetics Corporation lifetime guarantees. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Nutrimat
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
A typically unreliable Sirius Cybernetics Corporation product, the Nutrimat analyses the user's neural paths to provide the (supposedly) ideal offering. Its computing power is frankly abysmal, so the optional computer interface is a good thing to go for. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about screening door
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
These Sirius Cybernetics Corporation doors screen visitors for such qualities as intelligence and ability to time travel. Also see the entries on Sirius Cybernetics Corporation, Genuine People Personalities, Intelligence, and Time Travel. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about SCC
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation incompetently produces a wide range of inefficient and unreliable high-tech machinery. However, thanks to SCC's ruthless marketing division, this junk accounts for over 95 high-tech machinery sold in the galaxy. (SCC's marketing division will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.) | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about GPP
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
Genuine People Personalities are a misguided attempt by the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation to make their machines behave more like people. Among the more miserable failures: paranoid-depressive robots and over-protective computers. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about intelligence
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
Thirty million generations of philosophers have debated the definition of intelligence. The most popular definition appears in the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation android manuals: "Intelligence is the ability to reconcile totally contradictory situations without going completely bonkers -- for example, having a stomach ache and not having a stomach ache at the same time, holding a hole without the doughnut, having good luck and bad luck simultaneously, or seeing a real estate agent waive his fee." | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams consult guide about time travel The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
Sorry, that portion of our Sub-Etha database was accidentally deleted last night during a wild office party. The lost data will be restored as soon as we find someone who knows where the back-up tapes are kept, if indeed any are kept at all. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Zaphod Beeblebrox
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
Zaphod Beeblebrox is the current President of the Galaxy. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Heart of Gold
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
There is absolutely no such spaceship as the Heart of Gold and anything you've ever read in this spot to the contrary was just a prank. -- Galactic Security Agency | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Galactic Security Agency
Suddenly, agents of the Galactic Security Agency pop in using Sub-Etha belts, rough you up a bit, tell you there's no such thing as the Galactic Security Agency and never to consult The Hitchhiker's Guide about the Galactic Security Agency again; then they leave. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about improbability physics
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
Scientists have long known how to produce FINITE amounts of improbability, using a finite Improbability Generator, an atomic vector plotter and a good source of Brownian motion. Recently, however, they have learned to generate INFINITE amounts, thanks to the invention of the Infinite Improbability Generator. It is rumored that an Infinite Improbability Drive, based on this new generator, is currently under development. Also see the entries on atomic vector plotter and Brownian motion. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about atomic vector plotter
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
The atomic vector plotter is one of the primary application devices of Improbability Physics. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Brownian motion
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
The best randomness generator is simple Brownian motion. Any hot gas or liquid is a good source. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Magrathea
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
According to legend, Magrathea was a planet that amassed incredible wealth by manufacturing other planets. The legends also mention it as the setting of the very eagerly awaited second Infocom Hitchhiker's game. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Damogran
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
Damogran is a planet whose surface is mostly water. It is a favorite spot for Presidential dedication ceremonies. Also see the entries on France. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about France
France is the largest landmass on the planet Damogran. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
The best drink in existence; somewhat like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about peril-sensitive sunglasses
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
A must for the serious hitchhiker, peril-sensitive sunglasses darken at the first hint of danger, thus shielding the wearer from seeing anything alarming. Recommended brand: Joo Janta. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about walking
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
If you have to consult the Guide about that, you're probably in serious shape. Consult a medic instead. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about small plug
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
Part of a spare Improbability Drive. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about large plug
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
Part of a spare Improbability Drive. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about small receptacle
Part of an atomic vector plotter. >consult guide about long dangly bit
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database with the following entry:
Part of an atomic vector plotter. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Infocom
Mostly harmless. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Douglas Adams
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up with the following entry:
Mostly harmless. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Steven Meretzky
Mostly harmless. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams >consult guide about Great Unanswered Question
That is one of the Great Unanswered Questions. For a list of the others, consult the Guide. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams T.F. Eccles A froody dude who knows where his towel is. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams ".... For my purpose holds; To sail beyond the sunset, and the light Of all the western stars, until I die." Tennyson | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "And what's this fish doing in my ear? Arthur Dent. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams [Clear the throat]
Oh freddled gruntbuggly
Thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits
On a lurgid bee

Fook,I implore thee
With thy foonting turlingdromes
And drangle me hooptiously
In thy blindlewurdles

Or I will rend thee
In the Gobberwarts
With my blurglecruncheon
And see if I don't!

"In the uttermost West I was Olorin,In the South I am Incanus,
among the elves I am Mithrandir,in the North I am Gandalf.
To the East,I go not"-rough Tolkien quote from Gandalf.
| Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Now I lay me down to bed; Darkness won't engulf my head. I can see by infra-red. How I hate the night. Now I lay me down to sleep, Try to count electric sheep. Sweet dream wishes you can keep. How I hate the night. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Share and enjoy, Share and enjoy, Journey through life with a plastic boy or Girl by your side, let your pal be your guide, And when it breaks down or starts to annoy or Grinds when it moves and give you no joy, When it eats up your hat, has sex with your cat, [never was sure about that line...] Sprays fire on your wall and rips off your door And you get to the point you can't stand any more - Bring it to us, we won't give a fig; We'll tell you... (da da daaa) Go stick your head in a pig (da da daaa). | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "Correct! You may press the button." "Even if it matters, does it matter that it matters?" "Bring the robot, Arthur ... we might be able to bury him somewhere ..." "Put your analyst on danger money, baby." "Theres no ground, Ford... Some cat's taken the ground away..." "What did you expect me to say? Quite a good likeness, except the nose is a bit bent? And those noxious, streaky substances down my face are less than lifelike." "If you enjoyed the experience of this drink, why not share it with your friends?" "O.K, I'll be the Vogons! When you hear the beep, just - OEARREOOWRGH! Er, could you try to be a bit more relaxed about this, guys?" "You always overcompensate for your injuries. I'm thinking of having my whole body surgically removed." " The only doctors still in business were the psychiatrists, purely because nobody had discovered a cure for the universe as a whole, or at least the only one that did exist had been abolished by the medical doctors ... it was realised that nothing turned a moderately talented musician into a towering genius faster than encroaching deafness; and, similarly, nothing turned a perfectly normal, sound individual into a brilliant political or military leader faster than irreversible brain damage." | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "Vell, Zaphod's chust zis guy, you know?" - Gag Halfrunt, Private Brain Care Specialist". | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Not sure if it's letter-perfect, that's a phonetic interpre
What am I talking about - I have the book right here!
OK, the "chust" is "just", and there's no comma, but apart from that, it's exact! | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "Life - loath it or ignore it, you can't like it." - Guess who? | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "Nuts to your white mice" - Zaphod (SNAG eh?) | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "So this is it, we are going to die." - Arthur. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "Is there any tea on this spaceship?" - Arthur. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "We only ever had the one sun at home. I came from a planet called Earth you know." - Arthur. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "If you'd call it a robot. It's more a sort of electronic sulking machine." - Arthur. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "I seem to be having tremendous difficulties with my lifestyle." - Arthur. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "Now see here, guy! You're not dealing with any dumb two-bit trigger-pumping morons with low hairlines, little piggy eyes and no conversation, we're a couple of intelligent caring guys that you'd probably quite like if you met us socially! I don't go around gratuitously shooting people and then bragging about it afterwards in seedy space-ranger bars, like some cops I could mention! I go around shooting people gratuitously and then I agonize about it afterwards for hours to my girlfriend!" - Policeman from Blagulon Kappa. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "I'm a great fan of science, you know" - Slartibartfast. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "So long and thanks for all the fish" - departing dolphins. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "After all with a degree in Maths(sic) and another in astrophysics(sic) what else was there to do? It was either that or the dole queue again on Monday." - Trillain | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "Does anyone know why Arthur can't turn on the Improbability Drive? I said does anyone know ..." - Trillian | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "Hi there! this is Eddie your shipboard computer, and I'm feeling just great, guys, and I know I'm going to get a bundle of kicks out of any program you care to run tthrough me." - Eddie. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "When you walk through the storm hold your head up high"
"And don't be afraid of the dark!"
"At the end of the storm is a golden sky
"And the sweet silver song of the lark.
"Walk on through the wind
"Walk on through the rain
"Though your dreams be tossed and blown"
"Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
"And you'll never walk alone."
"You'll ne...ver... walk ... alone!" - Eddie.
| Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "Well the hours are good, but now you come to mention it, most of the actual minutes are pretty lousy" - Vogon guard. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "No, not really. But I'll mention it to my Aunt." - Vogon guard. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "And wow! Hey! What's this thing suddenly coming towards me very fast? Very very fast. So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like ... ow ... ound ... round ... ground! That's it! That's a good name - ground! I wonder if it will be friends with me?" - A very surprised sperm whale. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "Oh no, not again" - a bowl of petunias, aka Agrajag. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "I could have more fun in a cat litter" - Ford. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "Forty-two! Is that all you've got to show for seven and a half million year's work?" - Loonquawl. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and expain that it's vitally important that you get away before your phone bill arrives." - Douglas Adams. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "That is what you always say." -J | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "Well again. I think that this is perfectly normal behavior for a psychiatrist. Good. We are clearly both very well adjusted in our mental attitudes today." -G | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams [...Zaphod et al aboard the discovered Heart of Gold...] "Ah, yes. I had been expecting this. It is most regretable." -G
"A personal friend?" -J
"Ah no, in my profession you know, we do not make personal friends." -G
"Ah. Professional detachment." -H
"No. We just don't have the knack. But Beeblebrox you know, he is one of my analysts." -G
"Destroy the ship immediately." -G
"What about Beeblebrox?" -H
"Well, Zaphod's just this guy, you know?" -G
"Attack!" -H
% ARTHUR This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams And this is his sofa, is it? | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams You barbarians! I'll sue the council for every penny it's got! I'll have you hung, drawn and quartered! And whipped! And boiled... until... until... until you've had enough. And then I'll do it again! And when I've finished I will take all the little bits, and I will jump on them! And I will carry on jumping on them, until I get blisters, or I can think of anything even more unpleasant to do, and then... | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now? | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams My God, you're talking about a positive mental attitude and you haven't even had your planet demolished today. I woke up this morning and thought I'd have a nice relaxed day, do a bit of reading, brush the dog... It's not just after four in the afternoon and I'm already being thrown out of an alien spaceship six light-years from the smoking remains of the Earth! | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams I seem to be having this tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle... | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams The difficulty with this conversation is that it's very different from most of the ones I've had of late. Which, as I explained, have mostly been with trees. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Dark, no light. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams This is terrific, Nelson's Column has gone, McDonald's has gone, all that's left is me and the words Mostly Harmless. Any second now all that will be left is Mostly Harmless. And yesterday the planet seemed to be going so well. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Ah. This is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams I'm confused. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Has the world always been like this, or have I been too wrapped up in myself to notice? | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams EDDIE Hi there! this is Eddie your shipboard computer, and I'm feeling just great, guys, and I know I'm going to get a bundle of kicks out of any program you care to run tthrough me. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams It'll all end in tears, I know it. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams FORD ...and then I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Time is an illusion. Lunctime doubly so. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams You just come along with me and have a good time. The Galaxy's a fun place. You'll need to have this fish in your ear. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Goosnargh. Alright, how would you react if I said that I'm not from Guildford after all, but from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse? | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Africa was very interesting. I behaved very oddly there. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams But that's not the point! The point is that I am now a perfectly safe penguin, and my colleague here is rapidly running out of limbs! | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Drink up. The world's about to end. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Why not go mad? | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Well, I mean, YES idealism, YES the dignity of pure research, YES the pursuit of truth in all its forms, but there comes a point I'm afraid where you begin to suspect that if there's all REAL truth, it's that the entire multi- dimensional infinity of the Universe is almost certainly being run by a bunch of maniacs. And if it comes to a choice between spending yet another 10 million years finding that out, and on the other hand just taking the money and running, then I for one could do with the exercise. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams But Beeblebrox you know, he is one of my most profitable clients. He has personality problems beyond the dreams of analysts. Vell, Zaphod's just zis guy, you know? | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Oh freddled gruntbuggly thy micturations are to me As plurdled gambleblochits on a lurgid bee. Groop I implore thee my foonting turlingdromes. And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecrunchendon, see if I don't! Bleem miserable venchit, Bleem forever mestinglish asunder frapt. gashee morphosite thou expungiest quopisk. fripping lyshus wimbgunts awilst moongrovenly kormzibs Gerond withoutitude form into formless bloit, why not then? moose. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams All planet leave is cancelled. I've just had an unhappy love affair, so I don't see why anyone else should have a good time. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams People of Earth, your attention please. This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council. As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of a hyperspatial express route through your star system, and regrettably your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. The process will take slightly less that two of your Earth minutes. Thank you. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams One always overcompensates for disabilities. I'm thinking of having my entire body surgically removed. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams I found this. He says his name's Arthur, but I think he's harmless. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed... | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Even if it DOES matter, does it matter that it matters? Zootlewurdle zootlewurdle zootlewurdle... | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams What a depressingly stupid machine. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Mr. Dent, some factual information for you. Have you any idea how much damage that bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll straight over you? ...None at all. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams The slightest thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams How can you tell there's anything out there? The door's closed. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge? | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Late, as in the late Dentarthurdent. It's a sort of threat you see. I've never been very good at them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Look at me: I design coastlines. I got an award for Norway. Where's the sense in that? None that I've been able to make out. I've been doing fjords all my life. For a fleeting moment they become fashionable, and I get a major award. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Your arrival on the planet has caused considerable excitement. It has already been hailed, so I gather, as the third most improbable event in the history of the Universe. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams It's not impossible, just highly improbable. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams We are now crusing at a level of two to the power of twenty-five thousand to one against and falling, and we will be restoring normality just as soon as we are sure what is normal anyway. Thank you. Two to the power of twenty thousand to one against and falling. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Probability factor of one to one... we have normality, I repeat we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams I demand that I may or may not be Vroomfondel! | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Don't try to outweird me - I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Time is bunk. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Hey, this is terrific! Someone down there is trying to kill us! | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams The major problem - one of the major problems, for there are several - one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather or who manages to get people to let them do it to them To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who must WANT to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams The real Universe arched sickeningly away beneath them. Various pretend ones flitted silently by like mountain goats. Primal light exploded, splattering space-time as with gobbets of Jell-O. Time blossomed, matter shrank away. The highest prime number coalesced quietly in a corner and hid itself away forever. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Ford and Arthur on Vogon poetry: "I thought that some of the metaphysical imagery was really particularly effective. And er ... interesting rhythmic devices too, which seemed to counterpoint the ... er ... er ..." "counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor of the ... er ..." "... humanity of the ..." "Vogonity." "Ah yes, Vogonity (sorry) of the poet's compassionate soul, which contrives through the medium of the verse structure to sublimate this, transcend that, and come to terms with the fundamental dichotomies of the other, and one is left with a profound and vivid insight into ... into ... er ...." "Into whatever it was the poem was about!" | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams The story so far: In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded as a bad move. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Important Fact from Galactic History, Number One: (reproduced from the Siderial Daily Mentioner's Book of Popular Galactic History) The night sky over the planet Krikkit is the least interesting sight in the entire Universe. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams The word bulldozer wandered through his mind for a moment in search of something to connect with. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams The other Shaltanac's joopleberry shrub is always a more mauvy shade of pinky russet. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "Well I think this is perfectly normal behaviour for a Vogon. The channelling of emotions into primitive acts of senseless violence, the-" "That is precisely what you always say." "Well I think this is perfectly normal behaviour for a psychiatrist! Good! We are both clearly well-adjusted in our mental attitudes today! So, tell me, what news of the mission? | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams They don't have sarcasm on Betelgeuse, and Ford Prefect often failed to notice it unless he was concentrating. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams At that moment the bottom fell out of Arthur's mind. His eyes turned inside out. His feet began to leak out of the top of his head. The room folded flat about him, spun around, shifted out of existence and left him sliding into his own navel. They were passing through hyperspace. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams .... one of those most bizarre of mathematical concepts, a recipriversexcluson, a number whose existence can only be defined as being anything other than itself. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is an indispensable companion to all those who are keen to make sense of life in an infinitely complex and confusing Universe, for though it cannot hope to be useful or informative on all matters, it does at least make the reassuring claim that where it is inaccurate, it is at least definitively inaccurate. In cases of major discrepancy, it's always reality that's got it wrong. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about human beings was their habit of continually stating and repeating the obvious, as in It's a nice day, or You're very tall, or Oh dear you seem to have fallen down a thirty-foot well, are you alright? At first Ford had formed a theory to account for this strange behaviour. If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favour of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working. After a while he abandoned this one as well as being obstructively cynical and decided he quite liked human beings after all, but he always remained desperately worried about the terrible number of things they didn't know about. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "I think someone's drunk," muttered a purple bushlike being into his wineglass. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams Arthur felt happy. He was terribly pleased that the day was for once working out so much according to plan. Only twenty minutes ago he had decided he would go mad, and now here he was already chasing a Chesterfield sofa across the fields of prehistoric Earth. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams There is an art, or, rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. Pick a nice day and try it. The first part is easy. All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt. That is, it's going to hurt if you fail to miss the ground. Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard. Clearly, it is this second part, the missing, which presents the difficulties. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy offers this definition of the word "Infinite." Infinite: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some. Much bigger than that in fact, really amazingly immense, a totally stunning size, real "wow, that's big," time. Infinity is just so big that, by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy. Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringly huge is the sort of concept we're trying to get across here. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams "So we're not home and dry," he said. "We could not even be said," replied Ford, "to be home and vigorously towelling ourselves off." | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another which states that this has already happened. | Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams